ARTICLE

Confidence, Self-esteem and other 'I hate myself' issues!

One of the most common issues my clients have seems to be a lack of confidence. I usually ask: "When you think of a confident person, do you have a certain image in mind?"

These are some of their answers:

"They walk with their head high, they dress well, they talk clearly. They don't care what others think of them."

"It depends on what situation you are talking about. You can be confident in some things but not in others."

"Confident people can walk into a room where they don't know anybody and not be shy."

"It's about being comfortable in your own skin. Liking who you are."

"I just want to feel comfortable talking to strangers."

"Somebody who isn't worried about everything."

"They can give a speech and not blush!" "A confident person knows they can do things well."

This gives me an idea about what they mean when they talk about confidence. To some it means in a specific situation i.e. giving a speech, or attending a job interview. To others it is more general, more about how they feel about themselves as a whole.

To some it is simply the confidence to complete a job, to read a map, to pass an exam - or to know that once they acquire the necessary knowledge and skill they will be able to complete the task adequately.

We all suffer from insecurity or a lack of confidence at some stage of our lives. The most hardened, successful businessman could lose all sense of inner security when asking a beautiful woman out on a date! The underlying problem with all forms of anxiety is, of course, fear. It could be fear for personal safety, the fear of being alone, the fear of failure, the fear of death. By far the biggest fear, however, seems to be the fear of what other people will think!

The fear of criticism or disapproval affects us all in one way or another. It is simply the way our society works. As children we learn that certain behaviour gets approval, which makes us feel good; and certain behaviour gets disapproval, which makes us feel bad! We learn that we are often responsible for the feelings of others, which makes us feel guilty. Most of us have heard more than one parent say "you make me sick!" or "look how you have upset me now!" or "you will be the death of me!"

In social situations we learn that it is more comfortable to belong than it is to be an outsider. We learn that being ridiculed or bullied in any way is hurtful. We learn to cope by avoiding, manipulating, people-pleasing, pretending not to care and many other coping strategies.

For most people these behaviours and vague insecurities are simply a part of our imperfect society and we live with them. However, when your anxiety, insecurity or defensiveness affects your relationships or the way you live your life, then it is time to do something about it.

If you are constantly avoiding situations because you don't feel safe or secure enough, then you have a problem. If you are constantly worried, anxious or concerned with what others think of you, then you need some help. If you are reacting with anger and defensiveness then you need some inner healing. If you hate yourself and feel unloved or not worth being loved, then you need to learn who you really are.

How do confident people behave?

People who are genuinely confident and balanced do care about what others think or say, but only because they care about the other person, not because they fear rejection. They love others and they love themselves. They may prefer to listen or prefer to talk. They may be leaders or followers.

They may be greeting you at the door or speaking from the platform. You will know them because they are comfortable with themselves; you feel good around them. They don't intimidate you and neither do they make you work too hard to get to know them. Confident people like and accept themselves!

They are not afraid to be open about their feelings and emotions. They are not afraid that you will get too close. They are not afraid of what others think.

I cringe when people go to seminars to learn to be confident. They learn to act confident, but their inner fear is still there and all they have learned is another technique to hide behind. They simply add to the myth that confident people act in a certain way (bold and extroverted, which is not what confidence is about at all!)

How do you learn to like yourself?

I use many different techniques for helping people to accept and like themselves. By far my favourite, however, is 'inner child' work.

I believe that each of us has, inside us, a little girl or boy who just wants to be loved, cared for and nurtured. Each of us has a need to belong, to be unconditionally accepted and to feel loved.

To some extent, however, each of us has learned that there is a part of us that is not unconditionally accepted. That is the part that felt 'bad' as a child. The part that felt 'guilty', 'naughty', 'stupid' or in any way not quite good enough.

One of my clients insisted that she didn't care what people thought. She reacted to any criticism, or even perceived criticism, with anger. However, in regression, she, too, discovered a little girl who felt guilty and 'not good enough'. Her sister, who had learned to gain approval by being submissive, had become the 'good' child and was the clear favourite. My client, however, reacted differently and rebelled against the unfairness of the situation. Her angry reaction to everything meant that she was constantly being disciplined and told that her behaviour was unacceptable.

She simply became angrier and ended up in a life-long power play. Her need to control every situation she was in allowed her very little freedom to just enjoy life or accept herself and others. She was unable to love others or to love herself.

The other day a friend of mine said "my little boy is awkward and shy. I don't let anybody get too close, or they will discover who I am and then they won't like me!" When I asked him how he would feel toward any little boy who was awkward and shy, of course he said he would show him love and understanding. Yet he still hated it in himself. What man wants to think of himself as awkward and shy? It's okay in a small boy, but for a man it is just unacceptable! (or at least, he thinks it is!)

'Inner child' work involves getting the adult and the child together to form an understanding and mutual healing. In a trance state, using hypnotherapy, the adult is encouraged to be the comforter and healer to their inner child. There is one person you know you can trust to tell you the truth, and that is yourself.

Imagine being a small child and an older version of yourself, who has lived a lot longer and knows your future, comes along and tells you that you are going to be fine. That you are, in fact, loveable and acceptable. That all your feelings are valid and deserve attention. That you are understood. That you are safe. This is an adult that you can trust. One who really does understand you. At a subconscious level, the child inside is able to feel nurtured and acceptable.

This process is never done to find blame, and if anything forgiveness towards others and self is absolutely essential. The effect of inner child work is powerful and immediate. The process of inner healing has begun and a new way of looking at the world begins to emerge. It is only by learning to love and accept ourselves that we can truly love and accept others.

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